so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
accomplished twins. life is a go
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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