i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
