she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Randomize
