I accidentally had phone sex last night
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
