Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
