ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
