Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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