the condom got lost in my hair
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
