i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
