How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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