I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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