Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I pour the whiskey from now on
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I want a musical about memes.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
