Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
