and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
