Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
