part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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