One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
