i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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