I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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