No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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