sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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