my phone needs a breathalizer
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
