thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
