i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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