dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
