My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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