my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
