Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
