so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
