ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
