Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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