cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
