I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
