shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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