TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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