Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
