I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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