if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
