Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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