There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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