Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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