Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
