Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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