if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
