did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
