Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
