White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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