smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize
