I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
