You work out of a Hotel?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Everyone says I win the strip club
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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