i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
