Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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