Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
