its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
