Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
how drunk are you?
Several
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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