Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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