my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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