So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
