The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
