I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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