So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize