i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
