Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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