My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
