Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
