he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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