It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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